FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
