saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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