Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
