cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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