matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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