dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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