I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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