you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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