plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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