Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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