the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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