Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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