when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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