i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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