my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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