Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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