Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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