I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
