he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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