My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
