Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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