I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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