Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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