Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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