You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
