My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize