just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
