Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
