The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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