When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
