first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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