Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
