I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize