my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
