All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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