I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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