And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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