my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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