So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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