apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
