You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
pray to the hookup gods
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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