So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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