apparently the secret to your success is patron
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
