Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
