Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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