3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
