this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
