Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
