I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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