if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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