college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize