Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
