I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize