Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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