Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
did i just pee glitter
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