Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
