Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
