I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
