the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
