Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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