Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
