Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
