he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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