I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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