awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
