Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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