Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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