i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
