Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
