I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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