Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
