where am i from again
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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